Existing? Surviving?

I just watched a video from OITNB from Brook Soso that she said she's not surviving, she's just existing.
It shook me immensely.
Am I surviving? Existing? Living?
Sometimes, I don't know.
It is extremely unsettling to imagine that I'll not amount to much in this world. But, then I start to think, isn't that the exact approach I adopted towards pretty every aspects of my life? To be quite honest, I shy away from attention and to my best ability blend into the surrounding all the times.
I don't like to take credit, there's no highs in the things I do right. When I do things right, I always felt that it's supposed to be done that way, nothing to be glad about, but I beat myself up when I do things wrong, or when I didn't do what's ought to be done.
Someone once told me, don't think, just do. Because I often fall prey to my own insecurities, and over-analyse matters that are out of my control.
I very much envy people who are naturally optimistic, highly energized, easily hyped-up.
Because even though my facade showed that I am very positive and enthusiatic, my bouts of self-doubts and depressive mood are getting more and more frequent, and everything that I do, feels like such a struggle.
And I feel that I'm very loved and cared for, by a lot of people in my life, but I'm undeserving.

Maybe it's time I let myself out of the shell and take credit for bringing myself out the shithole i led myself in. Focus on myself instead of putting myself in comparison to others.

Contradiction

I had read somewhere that the perception of reality is sometimes more important than the reality itself.

So to speak, whether a commonly-perceived 'bad day' could, in the eyes of someone more 'enlightened', be considered as a learning day. 

However, what if the day, consists of a multitude of elements which could be classified as both celebratory and 'fails-of-the-day'. Today, is such a day.

A run-through of the day's details could probably unveiled the whys.

In the morning, I ran into an ex colleague of mine. Saying she's ex-colleague, is probably undermining the status she has deep within, because of the things we went through as a team, and the bonding that we shared. However, when I moved on to another aspect of my career, life got in the way, and our communications were reduced to likes and comments on various social media platforms. Despite that, her candour and sincerity has never failed to brighten up my day. And running into her this morning just makes me warm, like seeing your little sister after a long period of absence.

Then, work was great, more learning, keeps me on my toe, more aware and I embrace the fact that I get to be better, by the sharing of knowledge of senior at work. Though there was a some last minute changes and postponing of appointment, it did, indeed, freed up some time for me to bring my baby (car) for a much needed servicing. So in that, one item, checked off my to-do list. And it did made me feel a tad bit more productive.

At this point in my life, exercising and working out has to be scheduled, because my level of discipline dwindles with spontaneity.

So, my current project, is to swim for 30 days, and today, was supposed to be Day 19. While I was at it, I always strive to be better, perhaps a longer distance, or shorter time. Today, was smooth sailing somehow, I swam my longest distance yet, 1.2km, with minimal stoppings. Although it is indeed pretty mediocre generally, it was indeed phonomenal for me, because me being in water, is much comparable to a fish being out of it. (Has been and always will be) Just as I completed, and proceeded to perch myself to climb out of the pool, my right leg cramped up. Seems pretty normal, doesn't it? Well, not to me, because I have not had leg cramps for the longest time, so it was agonizing, at the same time trying to appear nonchalant, because, well, after all, I was done with the day already, and being a super self-conscious person, I hate to ask for help. 

The next event that happened rendered me useless to be receptive of my senses, I have not always pride myself to be a careful and meticulous individual, but seldom was I so careless, that I left my wallet, and my identification card on top of my car, while I was dabbling with snapchat, and obliviously went into the car and drove off.
The wallet was never to be retrieved.(at least not today) and Boy was I lost!

Am I angry? Yes, at none other than myself. Am I sad? Most certainly. But part of the hopeful me, prays for the appearance of a good Samaritan , like a knight in shining armour(?), with my belongings.

Also, I want to compartmentalise my emotions, and not let the more undesirable happenings get to my head and overwrite the ecstatic feels the other great occurence the day has presented. So I took a nap, feeling very numbed. And woke up, feeling more confused than ever.

So, i would say, it has been a really weird day.

Complexity

This is my virtual headspace, so, allow my indulgence. 

1. I think we, as ordinary beings of this very meritocratic world, are mostly pretty much concerned with our own performance or progress or whatevs, To be rather truthful, I don't ever fancy being termed the 'Underdogs'. However, just like its usually colder at the mountaintop, not everyone has ability/propensity/intensity to be at the top, probably just a few 'lucky' ones. 

I always believe, you give some you take some, these 'lucky' few had probably given what I was reluctant/neglected to give, in exchange of those certain privileges of being at the top, so, I should not feel bitter, in fact I should try to find out how to get better. Exactly. 

2. I always have to catch myself from spiralling into a couple of specific thoughts. Most poisonous of all, 'The Grass is always Greener on the Other Side.' Without a doubt, this could be true in some instance, but I should not allow it to affect me in a negative way. 

Like how I imagined, I thought I could do better with no supervision, when really, it just allows me to reduce my effort way more than I should, thinking no one will notice. When I was told to work on my business in a certain marketing channel, I always thought my other colleague, who does their marketing in a different channel, had it easier. Over the time, I did test the latter. Conclusion? It's mostly about hard work, intensity, tenacity and if truth be told, none of those methods were easy. So, I should not use this 'The Grass is always Greener on the Other Side' as an excuse of my Fear of Failure. 

逞强? 坚强? 傻傻分不清楚。

其实逞强, 在我看来, 这只是一种自我保护机制。 人啊, 生存在这社会上, 往往免不了被规划成为一个个的组织, 可能以工作, 以兴趣, 甚至, 更广泛的, 以年龄层来作为规范标准。 当然, 如此以来, 人, 很难会只是一个个体般存在。

当你隶属一种规范, 就必须有某种程度的表现, 言行举止也必定在规划的设计范围之内, 并不怎么主张特异独行。 这么说, 仿佛有些抽象, 容我稍作解释, 譬如, 当一个人在销售行业的岗位上, 你的行为规范是努力, 坚强, 排除万难, 而, 当你懒散, 不集中, 你就是当中的朽木, 大多也不会有多标榜的作为。 这就是你的期许。

而人, 由于自尊的关系, 不喜欢被冠上如此的坏名声, 所以, 都会表现在标准范围之内, 倘若你得到了所谓的成功, 你就是坚强。 反之, 当你的努力不懈, 并没有得到预期的回报, 别人可以堂而皇之地喻你为逞强, 不是吗? 说着说着, 可能自己也信了, 如别人的以为, 自己并未想象中坚强。 

坚强, 固然是每一个人都向往的特质, 然, 它未必存在于性格里的每一个层面。 人, 总有坚强不了的地方, 称之为弱点。

说实在的, 是否在逞强, 也只有自己知道。 而你可以有意识地停止这样的动作, 企图让自己喘息, 正视自己的不足是因为方式不当抑或是全然的性格不符。

相对的, 也可采取掩耳盗铃的方式, 继续逞强, 进而跌入一种恶性循环, 直到泥足深陷, 不能自拔, 而自我感觉永远永远不良好。 然, 你无法停止, 因为你太在意别人的眼光, 深怕在别人眼里反射出的自己是懈怠的。

说真的, 写了这么个长篇大论, 有结论吗? 其实, 仍然无解。 因为我也不知道, 自己是坚强抑或是逞强。 罢了。

都是夜归人

你可曾听着一首歌, 而它的旋律仿佛带着你的思绪穿越时间与空间, 去到了另一个世界。 而这个世界, 可能是自己来不及感受的过往, 亦可能是一个脑海中幻化出来的, 不曾发生过的世界...

我的夜班, 是在一个充满着福建老歌回荡着的一个环境, 以致我的歌汇中已经多了许多的老歌和福建歌谣。而, 这些歌曲都是我家经营的摊位附近的一位名唤 '阿中'的五十来岁, 大剌剌的男子, 然, 在他的歌库之中, 竟有这首许美静的《都是夜归人》。

我从以前就很喜欢这首歌曲, 因为我会随着那幽幽的音符飘荡到一个满目狼籍的街道上。这街道没有了人潮, 只有狂欢过后的乱, 三三两两互挨着彼此的男男女女, 脸上已分辨不出是睡意或是醉意, 昏黄的街灯嘲弄地照映着空荡。寂寞, 凄凉的浪漫, 似乎就如 Mavis的歌声叙述着 "你的爱已模糊, 你的忧伤太清楚, 我们, 于是流浪这座夜的城市...."  听毕, 常常有股落寞, 萦绕在心头, 挥之不去。

最有意思的是; 阿中究竟是用什么样的心境去聆听这首歌呢?是纯粹因为它优美的旋律和歌声, 还是他也有着一段缠绕这首歌曲的动人的故事, 使之不禁动容?

漩涡

人, 很容易就会不经意地跌入了自己所制造的漩涡里。试想像, 一位充满热忱的舞者,每一天都用尽全身的精力游移于一种快节奏的一支舞蹈, 日复日的重复着, 迟早也会有厌恶或疲倦的一天。

常言道: 休息是为了走更长远的路。人, 总有需要适时地停下脚步, 看看星空, 听听虫鸣, 嗅一嗅咸咸的海风, 感受晨露凝缩在脸上。 最重要是, 是聆听自己心灵最真实的初衷, 才不至于, 在傭傭碌碌的生活节奏中迷失了自己。

说实在, 人生中, 往往有着许许多多的事件发生, 使之觉得绝望, 然, 也同时充斥着希望, 矛盾吗? 或许吧。就好比, 暖流遇上寒流, 不住地周旋, 以至造成了漩涡。明确地掌握着自己的初衷, 就仿佛是一艘船, 已经把锚扔进水里, 嵌于海床中。有了重心, 尽管有漩涡, 也不至于没入深沉的海里, 无法自救。

好, 好一个离题的人。我写这篇文的初衷, 其实只是要埋怨我长期处于疲乏的状态, 连玩 Sodoku 还没有玩完一局就打瞌睡了。 殊不知, 写着写着, 写完了, 我还没有提到Sudoku, 所以, 在文中末段, 忠于初衷, 仍然必须提到。

focus

Do you find that some days you just feel invincible and you can practically achieve that particular goal you'd been thinking about so much? The mental picture of you, feeling ecstatic that you'd finally done something you're really proud of yourself for. You are so sure that you will be able to do what you need to do, in order to be there, because you are affirmed in your mind that the only reason you hadn't was because of yourself. And today is going to be the day that you will stop all the self sabotage, that in procrastinating, you will actually do more harm than it being status quo. Well, these are the feel-good days.  And, pretty much, far and between for me.

Because, more often than not, you are presented with more trying days. Days when you wake up and just literally flopped back into bed for another couple of minutes of sleep, that turned into hours, and before you knew it, the day is almost over, with nothing on the to-do list checked.

Sometimes,  other matters just keep popping up, distracting you from all the things that needs to be done. Sometimes, your emotional self just creeps up your back and shadows you around,  and then, before you knew it, you are in the company of other friends, like self doubts, lazy ass and over thinking. 

And to put it bluntly, this is the time when you should take out your little mind tool, named Focus! It's an actual word, though some people like to think it is 'Follow One Course Until Success'. And this, my friend, is why you should really 'black and white' your goals. Meaning? you may ask.

It's putting down your goals in words, or pictures. Something which has a physical presence. The human mind, in my humble opinion, can be pretty forgetful at all. And this 'black and white' will remind you not to stray off the course that you'd mapped, lest you regret allowing yourself to let it all slides. I'm going to start mine. Have you, yours? Do share.