I just watched a video from OITNB from Brook Soso that she said she's not surviving, she's just existing.
It shook me immensely.
Am I surviving? Existing? Living?
Sometimes, I don't know.
It is extremely unsettling to imagine that I'll not amount to much in this world. But, then I start to think, isn't that the exact approach I adopted towards pretty every aspects of my life? To be quite honest, I shy away from attention and to my best ability blend into the surrounding all the times.
I don't like to take credit, there's no highs in the things I do right. When I do things right, I always felt that it's supposed to be done that way, nothing to be glad about, but I beat myself up when I do things wrong, or when I didn't do what's ought to be done.
Someone once told me, don't think, just do. Because I often fall prey to my own insecurities, and over-analyse matters that are out of my control.
I very much envy people who are naturally optimistic, highly energized, easily hyped-up.
Because even though my facade showed that I am very positive and enthusiatic, my bouts of self-doubts and depressive mood are getting more and more frequent, and everything that I do, feels like such a struggle.
And I feel that I'm very loved and cared for, by a lot of people in my life, but I'm undeserving.
Maybe it's time I let myself out of the shell and take credit for bringing myself out the shithole i led myself in. Focus on myself instead of putting myself in comparison to others.
